An anti-despair toolkit

5 steps to save a sudden tumble into the abyss

A true (common) story

During one of my weekday work periods, I tumbled unexpectedly and suddenly into a dark well of despair.

Slowly but surely, I went from feeling focused and energized to feeling hopeless and depressed.

I could dive into the nitty gritty of what caused this energetic stumble, but that’s besides the point. It happens.

Maybe a night of broken sleep catches up with you, or you get an worry-inducing text that your brother just lost his job, or you’re worried about how your brilliant-and-neurodivergent kid will do on their test today, or you read an unsettling article about the latest act of tyranny in the White House. Any of these things can throw off our sense of equilibrium, causing us to careen out of control before we even know what’s happening.

Ultimately, this is a story of awareness. Because what’s important to share about this sudden onslaught of despair is that I suddenly became aware of my quickly waning mood—and in that moment, I made a quick decision to do something to shift my energy.

The 5-second pivot

If you Google “the 5-second rule” you’ll get a lot of results which may or may not align with this principle. So I’ve decided to call it “the 5-second pivot” instead, to avoid confusion with the work of Mel Robbins and potentially others using a version of this phrase. I heard about this idea in a talk on Stoicism, and I found the simplicity inspiring.

How it works:

When you find yourself reacting to something, do everything in your power to notice and redirect your attention in the first 5 seconds.

The idea here is that if you can catch yourself before you fly off the handle, you’ve got a decent chance of being able to circle back to that trigger feeling more resourced.

Example:

You open your News app, and read a particularly troubling headline. Your throat constricts, your eyes widen, and you feel the fury begin to rise. Incredibly, this all happens in the span of 1-2 seconds. You suddenly become aware that this is all happening, and that you’re falling down the well of reactivity. This is when you’d pause, and make a powerful split-second decision to head off the reaction in the first 5 seconds.

Side Note: this would be a stellar time to use any of the “STOP” tools from Phase 1 of my Peaceful Mind Protocol.

Need a super simple tool to stop the reactivity in it’s tracks?

Take 3 deep breaths, where the exhalation is twice as long as the inhalation.

Or:

Stand up with your arms reaching straight above you, jumping up and down 10 times.

Either of these will redirect your attention immediately from the trigger and allow you to drop into your breath and your body, which will bring some immediate relief along with a chance for a perspective shift.

Once you’ve pivoted your attention and come into your body, you will very likely feel more resourced, and chances are you can meet the headline with a broader perspective. Even if you feel sacred rage or waves of grief in the face of the news—why wouldn’t you?—you aren’t hijacked by your emotions and left in a swirl of panic or anxiety.

I am not advocating that you bypass your emotions. Your emotions are not bad or wrong, and displays of emotionality do not indicate that you are spiritually un-evolved. Indeed, emotions are biologically wise, powerful messengers showing us where our work is. And, we cannot do that work if we are totally incapacitated.

This also brings up the importance of having safe spaces to cry, wail, scream, and grieve. If you don’t have safe spaces and intentional outlets to express your feelings, I recommend you put some energy into finding some. If emotions don’t move through us in a healthy way, they will become toxic agents of destruction inside our very being. See this or this article I wrote on grief if you need somewhere to begin.

The shift

Back to my story. Once I made the snap decision to escape the foreboding shadow of despair no matter what, I got up from my desk. I closed my laptop, took off my blue-blocker glasses and left my office, heading for the kitchen. There, I proceeded to eat some chocolate, followed by some coffee ice cream (yep, I did that) while sitting on a step outside in the crisp winter sunlight.

Taking deep breaths of the cool air, I resolved to get my juju back, or else resort to a nap—because honestly, sleeping is preferable to attempting the rest of an afternoon in that horrible mind state.

From there, I did a short but rigorous bout of cleaning in my kitchen, put on my essential oil diffuser with lemon and a doTERRA blend called Elevation, and drank a quart-sized glass of water with a capful of raw apple cider vinegar.

After doing all of that, I miraculously felt ready to sit down in front of my computer again. Thinking that perhaps I would shift my focus to a different task than what I was working on previously, I brought my laptop to the kitchen table for a change of scenery.

And what do you know? I ended up diving back into my prior writing project for several more hours. It ended up being a delightful, pleasurable, productive and fruitful afternoon!

The moral of the story

This little blip of a story is a true testament to the fact we can shift our energy anytime, with a bit of intention and awakened action.

And it’s also important to normalize that we humans sometimes experience unexpected waves of grief. Nothing is wrong with us.

When I reflect back to the precise moment when things began to turn around, it was the simple acknowledgment of and surrendering to my suffering. Rather than fight it or push myself to keep working through the feelings, I let the feelings win.

Et voila! In that allowance and relaxation, a path of relief revealed itself.

Test the method

Here’s how to test this method in your own life… and I hope you will! Because nothing is as satisfying or empowering as anecdotal evidence.

1. Make a list of 10 things you can do that are fail-proof morale boosters.

This will be deeply personal to you. It might contain specific foods or beverages that hit the spot; a garment that sparks joy; a quick call to a friend that always makes you cry-laugh or knows exactly what to say to talk you off the cliff; a particular spot in your home or nearby in nature that will ground you; and so on. Keep this list tacked up on a wall next to your desk or in a note bookmarked on your phone so you can easily access it.

2. The moment you notice your prana start to drain, reach for your list.

Don’t hesitate! Practice the 5-Second Pivot like your life depends on it. Start training yourself to remember and reach for your most effective tools in challenging or triggering moments.

I won’t sugar coat it. This step is the hardest part. We humans usually fall immediately down the well of becoming identified with our emotions; and in those moments of total identification, we draw a blank on how to pull ourselves out again. If you’re willing to train yourself to spring into one of the actions from your trusted List at the first sign of deflation, you’ll be amazed at the results.

3. Release all expectations of the outcome—give yourself permission to feel everything that's arising.

Grief comes in waves, often at very unexpected moments. Our bodies and hormones are constantly in flux. Practice the art of imperfection. Tell your Inner Critic to pipe down, and invite your Higher Self to step forward. Put your hand over your heart and take those 3 breaths. Give yourself full permission to simply feel what emotions are passing through you. Listen to this 12 minute practice by Richard Rudd while softening your face and relaxing your shoulders. Not even sure what you’re feeling? Use an emotions wheel to clarify and name what’s actually happening.

4. Instead of identifying as your emotions, become aware of experiencing them.

Pay careful attention to your language in moments of contraction or reaction. As you allow yourself to admit what you’re feeling, create some distance between yourself and the emotions. For example, instead of saying “I’m disappointed”, shift your language to “I’m experiencing disappointment.” From there, you might even befriend the emotion by saying “It's okay that these feelings are here. Disappointment is welcome.”

5. When in doubt: Take a nap.

If you’ve given the above steps an honest try and still feel meh, fuck it. Grab an eye mask, set your alarm for 30 minutes, turn your devices on Do Not Disturb and take a power nap. As you drift off to sleep, offer a little invocation: May this nap refresh my spirit and refill my cup, so I can show up and do the work that’s mine to do today.

*

My friend, this is a game of awareness. We’re becoming spiritual warriors, you and I. And so we get to hone our reactivity radar.

We get to strengthen the muscle of wise action in moments when our avoidant, cynical self would rather let the well swallow us.

We get to flex our navigational superpowers.

We get to feel it all and gather our resources as we learn to navigate the needs of our body, mind and heart in a time of great upheaval and momentous change.

I’m with you each step of the way.